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2004年11月30日 下午1點45分00秒Identity Crisis attacked full-force today. I...
Identity Crisis attacked full-force today.
I had been aware of it before when I was still in HKU, but that was just a tinge of anxiety, which I could cast off easily. Not this time. This time I really collapsed.
What am I doing here? What am I going to do? What is all these years' studying of English Literature, Western Art and Philosophy? Why do I take pride in mastering an alien culture? Why do I take pleasure in manipulating this alien language, forgetting my own? Say I really know all the English Poets from Shakespeare to Tolkien, learn all the Western Literary Genres from the epic poem to the journal, recognize all the Western Art from Giotto to Picasso, contemplate through all the Western Philosophical Schools from Socrates to Deleuze... what then? What am I? What am I to do? What am I fit for?
It was not a problem for my father - when he studied English Literature in HKU, it was during the high-time of British Colonial culture; the top scholars in Hong Kong must and took pride in learning Shakespeare and Milton. But not for me, when Hong Kong is no longer a British Colony. Back then, my father did not even need to confront the shock created by Postmodernism and Postcolonialism.
I could not feel more detached from reality when I began meeting those people who possess no less, or even more artistic impulse than me by the end of my final year in HKU. Some I had known for some time but had not been able to maintain the acquaintance due to my devotion to hall. Everyone, whether it is writing, photography, film, local culture... everyone is striving, working towards their aspiration. All the while, when my time and effort had been devoted to somewhere else. I envy them. They are clearly on some distinct path, while I am in between edges. I have gone so far I do not want to go back to the ordinary again. Some god save me... I feel like shattering into pieces...
2004年11月29日 上午4點48分00秒[IMAGE] Currently Reading The Penguin Book...
 | Currently Reading The Penguin Book of Renaissance Verse (Penguin Classics) By David Norbrook, H.R. Woudhuysen see related |
My prolonged slumbering was partly due to my illness, and partly due to the strange dream I had (or was it due to the illness?). The fabulous Tommy was in the dream, and we were on some kind of mission
What made it more weird was when I finally regained consciousness Tommy of real life actually left me a message via ICQ 
It was an Ad, but not an ordinary Ad - it is a journal on Gender Studies for Hong Kong, an attempt to categorize and institutionalize this much-talked-of and yet fragmented issue.
Tommy and another postgraduate student at PolyU launched this ambitious project, and Professor Tambling is one of the advisors
I was so awed by his enthusiasm that I could not help throwing exclamations (through ICQ of course) at Tommy 
And he promised to mail an issue to me when the journal gets published 
I think he really is doing a great thing, and if it succeeds, it will be of great significance to local cultural studies - I give you 100% support, Tommy! I wish I could do something like this too... To contribute something to the society, instead of getting stuck in the library... And then a small episode happened in the evening... thwarted my serenity entirely
I felt it was long time ago since I had been mad with someone, but I controlled my temper and betrayed nothing... It was nobody's fault actually... may be the fault was mine even... But it was just horrible how immensely it affected my emotions... the affront and the effect were in no way proportional... Anyway, I don't want to dwell on it anymore... Again I asked myself that question, which had been asked over and over again: Why? I don't understand...
2004年11月27日 下午11點15分00秒[IMAGE] Currently Reading Girl with a Pearl...
 | Currently Reading Girl with a Pearl Earring By Tracy Chevalier see related |
Slept till noon...
Made myself some congee... didn't really feel lilke eating... just to fill up the stomach...
Made some amendments in the hotel reservations online... after that really easy and quick process I already felt exhausted...
Gave up revising Japanese and writing to Ishiyama sensei... that would take up a lot of energy which I could not afford... Sensei, Gomennasai.
Wrote a postcard instead... could not stop laughing from beginning to end... that postcard was just brilliant! Can't believe I am really ill...
Chatted with Parents... Mother was ill too... oh God... Told Father I could not work, he said I should take this opportunity to rest... I think he is right... ever since I came here there was not one day I did not think of my studies... Perhaps it's time for a break...
Began reading Girl with a Pearl Earring - it's only when I am sick then I can read the books I'd like to read, like novels...
Had some more congee in the evening, had a shower, then planned to slip into my bed, but instead followed Rose to the common room to watch "Spiderman2"... Not really what I'd like... but not too bad (surprisingly)...
Feel abhorred when I think of getting to the early seminar tomorrow by No.25... should I go? That trip is certainly going to kill me... But then, back in Hong Kong I did struggle to attend Dr Smethurst's lecture with my serious flu (and which made him remember me...)Where have my toughness and strength gone?
****
Detail from "The Annunciation"
Fra Filippo Lippi, about 1406-1469
National Gallery, London
Gabriel, one of the four great Archangels; and one who possesses the most feminine quality - may be that is why he is chosen to be the Messenger for the Annunciation?
Virgin Mary is actually directly opposite to Gabriel; but somehow the focus of the painting is on this beautiful Angel - the only species superior to Human God created.
For me, it is strange artists never painted Lucifer the Archangel (though they did present Satan) - for before the Fall, he should be the greatest of Angels and therefore a very good material for artists to work on. I think throughout history, only John Milton in his Paradise Lost actually showed any sympathy for the Prince of Light... and me...
2004年11月27日 上午12點34分00秒Dedicate a new entry for my beloved Lady Ho...
Dedicate a new entry for my beloved Lady Ho Tung Hall:
Interhall Hockey Competition 2004
CHAMPION
Congratulations...
No reserve, we deserve
No retreat, we go forward
No regret until the end
Coz we are LADY HO TUNG GIRLS
Champion
We had our moments, we had our times
We've become the champion hall
Over hundreds of games and battles we had
So destinated
You've completed your tasks and showed your skills
But nothing impressed at all
I have expected it to
But don't cry for me be courageous
Why all these howlings and hysterical sorrow
United spirit has stayed among us
We will never get by without this
I kept my promise to be the champion
Is it too greedy to hope for another champion in P2? And one day we will not only sing "Champion", but "Glory" too...
2004年11月26日 下午3點27分00秒[IMAGE] Currently Reading The Art of...
 | Currently Reading The Art of Describing : Dutch Art in the Seventeenth Century By Svetlana Alpers see related |
Idling for some days... Did not even bother to update my xanga... Let me (though late now) say Happy Birthday to Fi too
The day before yesterday -
David's seminar. I should have spoken - don't know why even if I have something to say, I always just leave it unsaid May be the fear for some consequence holds me back? Went to Oxford Street afterwards. Got the rabbit hat at Urban Outfitters 
Pedro came at night to change the light bulbs only to discover he got the wrong ones And Zaleha was back from her brief trip to Amsterdam
Yesterday -
Research Seminar with Robbin, about Short Titled Catalogue this time - not ordinary ones since this is for books published during the Early Modern Period 
Never used a STC before (not to mention STC for the Early Modern Period), and panicked a bit when Robbin assigned tasks for us 
Fortunately I caught up rather quick and no one (I guess) realized I never used a STC before And then we were divided into 2 groups and asked to search for an item - Lauren grabbed the right volume immediately so we finished within 1 minute Julia compared this to the fierce scripture competitions in children's Bible class - search the correct scripture as fast as possible and THE LAST PERSON GOES TO HELL An effective way to push children to learn indeed... Did some reading for the essay topic, and made a LASAGNA by myself 
Hahaha... I am so proud of myself Had a delightful girl's talk with Rose, Zaleha and Ming during dinner 
Today -
Woke up late... Had breakfast then set off to the National Gallery. A lot of paintings and stuff mentioned in Alpers' book are in NP so thought I might have a look at the real thing. Tediously crowded again When I was pondering over the paintings by Saenredam as opposed to other Italian paintings, something dawned on me suddenly - it is not that there is no perspective in Saenredam's (or any Northern artists') paintings, it is just a different application of the scientific theory from that of the Italian artists. It is about the placing and positioning of the spectator. But is this revelation going to help in my essay? 
And then I walked along the Strand hoping to find the office of Twinings, only to find that it was closed Went back to hall instead, had dinner, tried to arrange my postcards but gave up after an hour's labour...
The long-time-no-see Simon went online finally and had a silly but fun chat with him - he (cleverly) refused to let me try cutting his hair The conversation kind of drew me into some thoughts... and then I remembered what Rose said the night before. I think I would just have to wait for that third person, and besides that, no remedy really.