網誌
2005年6月21日 上午6點44分00秒
*-* This is my last time coming onto xanga.com. I finally realized that expressing my thoughts and feelings into words doesn't help much.. It is a definetely a healthy outlet though , for those who have anger management problems * *.. you can always feel free to let out your anger here .. it's the best way to approach the problem .
If any guys that I have been secretly admiring that I mentioned in the entries, I just want to tell them that they will always be special to me. I mean I don't think they will do something as foolish as typing my name on a search engine and clicking on one of the links to reach here.. I don't know. maybe one of them had..
And one final word, thanks to those who have been leaving comments on my entries.. it's too bad , that the places we live are so distant.. and we can never become real friends. and even though I always mention how sad I am and how I live in a different world from many of the more lucky ones on xanga, I know there must be a few who are having a hard time living life too. ..that in the end, our worlds are not so different..
I should end here.
bai bai and take care everyone.
~Selena .
2005年6月6日 下午10點36分00秒
6-6-05
Today was a memorable day for me because it's the last time that I get to see that japanese guy whom I have been secretly admiring for the past 6 weeks.For the entire afternoon, I was thinking of him so badly.. but then later on, I was able to concentrate on something else.. because his image in my mind wasn't vivid anymore.. it was gradually disappearing... I know I can only secretly admire them and look , but never to have any of them.
And then something even worse happened. I have been trying a chinese herbal supplement which is supposed to help with "dry eyes" indirectly but after taking it , I felt upper abdominal pain and then stomach ache. it's a hard decision whether to continue it or discontinue it.
the thought of having to experience dry eyes and stomach problems and being alone for the rest of my life seems scary. I did have to admit the idea of suiciding came across my mind at least 3 times today.. but I am a coward. .I know even if I have attempted it .. it would end up being that I would give up just like in the past because a few minutes of suffocating oneself in a bag felt like an hour.. time passed so slow and yet you feel the pain so quickly.
all of a sudden, I long for happiness.