網誌
2005年4月23日 上午8點53分00秒
4-23-05 (Saturday)
It's finally time to add a new entry again as I haven't done so for many months. These days, I am only busy with school, mainly studying.. but many times, I can't concentrate on my tasks due to my health conditions and sadness..I can't find much meaning and hope in doing anything.. even when I have aced an exam or an assignment, those things don't mean anything .. School has started about 3 months ago.. I didn't ever think of going back to school but it's hard to find a job without a degree these days so I found it necessary to do so.. There's only about 11 more months to go.. and hopefully I can graduate by that time.. Honestly, studying medical assisting is quite hard for me. I still fear learning to inject shots and put on dressings for wounds on patients.. and well, the administrative aspects will be hard too..because I am not that good at computers. .but I will try hard to finish the program and hopefully get a good paying job.
And I also went to see the ophthalmologist today for a follow up visit. I ended up having a new set of punctal plugs inserted into the punctum or tear ducts of both of my eyes. It still feels uncomfortable in my left eye. And after administering eye drops into my eyes , it only lasted less than an hour before I felt the surface area dry again.The tears just doesn't stay long enough on the eyes. .So I was losing hope again. I wish I had healthy eyes just like all of my other classmates.. everything attending my vocational college has healthy eyes.. they are so lucky .. but some of them just haven't realized it. And I was looking into the doctor's eyes. they looked so healthy too.
And bad bad bad .. I felt hopeless so I was overeating again.. on crackers which did have fat and also rice crackers.. and an orange.. I was trying to reach under 100 this entire time.. now i don't think it's possible.. really, it's not losing weight to be pretty or more pretty. .or anything pertaining to beauty. .losing weight gives me a feeling of control over my life and some accomplishment at least.. All of my life, I was a pure failure.. being teased at school starting from kindergarten until the end of high school.. and being looked down on while I volunteered at a physician's office.. because I was a slow learner. .. dumb to be exact.
And talking about guys, one of my "note friends" asked me in the email the other day how it feels to be secretly admiring 3 guys at one time.. and whicho one will I end up choosing .. and I just didn't need time to think about the reply.. the answer was that they don't know that I like them and they will never know.. because I will never say it out.. because I can't have one.
i'll end my thoughts here . 