網誌
2004年11月18日 上午7點54分00秒:*( I finally have a job , even though it's...
:*( I finally have a job , even though it's only part time now. . I still need a lot of time to become accustomed to the demands of the tasks.. I work at a drive inn called "Beijing Express" now and i am still finding another part time to compensate for the missing hours that of a normal full time job which is about 40 hours or slightly more but without much success. I am always being complained by customers and my coworkers so i feel even worse for the last two days. . I know it's all my fault since i am a slow learner.. and still haven't learned to do the tasks in an appropriate way.. .tasks such as scooping enough entrees into the white take out box and enough starches such as noodles and rice.. One of the customers actually sweared at me today afternoon and then continued to complain which hurted a lot .. but i didn't want to express it directly.. either emotionally or verbally .I felt humiliated too since one of my other coworkers saw the entire scene... It just seems as if i do everything wrong.. and at the end of the day, all i feel is more sadness and worthlessness. I was walking in the heavy rain about an hour ago.. felt like crying once again... i knew if i finished the last semester of university or either attended a vocational school , things might be a little better.. at least for the job part.. but with a few health problems i still feel pretty sad.. i know i won't be able to concentrate in school at all ..but still i hope to get over this job soon.. whether it be three months from now or 6.. i want to leave so badly but i know no other place is willing to give me a chance to work for them.. and talking about guys , i swear i don't think of them much anymore. .except when i saw a few hong konese guys on the bus just now.. one was sitting next to his loved one and the other was sitting alone but he was facing the couple as he talked .. i only dared to take a one second glance at him.. but i couldn't see much of his face.. i felt so embarassed of myself.. finally i got off the bus soon when it was time to get off. . then it was over.. i think everything will soon be over.. i don't want to be having the same health issues for the next 7 and 7 and 7 years.. I still can't accept everything as it is .. and i can't cope with them.. nor do i want to . .i want happiness and i will do anything to achieve it. i do miss guys.. which girl in this world does not want to have a boyfriend or long to have one.. but i have finally realized that i miss something more .. something more important which is happiness.. without happiness, it's impossible to even want to have a boyfriend.. the truth is that i just want a guy friend at times .. someone cute * *. and nothing more.. i know i can't have a significant other.. i feel satisfied just secretly admiring cute looking asian guys. .even with happiness.
2004年11月7日 下午11點21分00秒*_* how is everyone. i have reached the...
*_* how is everyone. i have reached the point where i am at the stage of sadness and also disappointment. everything has been going wrong in life. i've never thought that i have to go through so much problems. i think about taking my life many times, but i am such a coward that i don't have the courage to take any action. I was looking at the ground level from the outside of my balcony and i once thought what if i took off from there.. but it's not high enough.. instead, i was holding onto the railing very tightly.. i'm such a coward..it's only 5 floors high and yet, i was so afraid already. ( i have that height phobia thing)..I always think if there wasn't happiness in life anymore, why should or i shall say why am i still alive. The answer is pretty pathetic.. it's because a fear of death and after life.. i ran out of thoughts now. it's time to end...
~sparklinsnobubbo