網誌
2005年6月21日 上午6點44分00秒
*-* This is my last time coming onto xanga.com. I finally realized that expressing my thoughts and feelings into words doesn't help much.. It is a definetely a healthy outlet though , for those who have anger management problems * *.. you can always feel free to let out your anger here .. it's the best way to approach the problem .
If any guys that I have been secretly admiring that I mentioned in the entries, I just want to tell them that they will always be special to me. I mean I don't think they will do something as foolish as typing my name on a search engine and clicking on one of the links to reach here.. I don't know. maybe one of them had..
And one final word, thanks to those who have been leaving comments on my entries.. it's too bad , that the places we live are so distant.. and we can never become real friends. and even though I always mention how sad I am and how I live in a different world from many of the more lucky ones on xanga, I know there must be a few who are having a hard time living life too. ..that in the end, our worlds are not so different..
I should end here.
bai bai and take care everyone.
~Selena .
2005年6月6日 下午10點36分00秒
6-6-05
Today was a memorable day for me because it's the last time that I get to see that japanese guy whom I have been secretly admiring for the past 6 weeks.For the entire afternoon, I was thinking of him so badly.. but then later on, I was able to concentrate on something else.. because his image in my mind wasn't vivid anymore.. it was gradually disappearing... I know I can only secretly admire them and look , but never to have any of them.
And then something even worse happened. I have been trying a chinese herbal supplement which is supposed to help with "dry eyes" indirectly but after taking it , I felt upper abdominal pain and then stomach ache. it's a hard decision whether to continue it or discontinue it.
the thought of having to experience dry eyes and stomach problems and being alone for the rest of my life seems scary. I did have to admit the idea of suiciding came across my mind at least 3 times today.. but I am a coward. .I know even if I have attempted it .. it would end up being that I would give up just like in the past because a few minutes of suffocating oneself in a bag felt like an hour.. time passed so slow and yet you feel the pain so quickly.
all of a sudden, I long for happiness.
2005年5月10日 上午6點17分00秒
5-9-05
I didn't feel well today as usual. My stomach felt bad. I think I have overeaten on bananas.that was dumb of me. I didn't do much except 2 crossword puzzles for one of my classses and also practiced working out some math problems on mathcue program.
I also saw a guy today who also happened to be one that I was secretly admiring. I can't believe that he saw me looking at him across the street. I hope he doesn't like me (not that I think I am pretty and healthy at all but it doesn't seem to matter to some of them ) since I can't and don't deserve to have a significant other and nothing willl ever change that thought. honestly, he is quite good looking. I just find myself I think ther'es a lot of nice looking Filipino girls at the college I attend at and hopefully, he will find one of them to be better . not that I am a 100% sure that he likes me but the way he looked at me. .It was a special feeling and yet, I didn't enjoy it at all. I actually realized that I am liking my own physician too.. that is terrible. .and also another asian guy.and many other ones too. It just seems like as long as they are asian, have cute looking eyes and a pale /fair facial complexion, I can like them at first sight.. I can;t believe some of them are so similar to my personality.. which is being shy but one thing that sets us apart was that we belonged to 2 different worlds.. one , a world where things were going well , there was hope and happiness.. and the other, a world where things didn't go well..everything was the opposite.
I just feel so stupid because I can't hope and meaning in life everyday and here I am, still secretly admiring guys . I promise to try hard to eliminate them from my mind.. I don't want to like guys anymore.
2005年5月6日 下午10點12分00秒
5-6-05
Today I didn't do much. I only reviewed for an upcoming math exam and also did some reading for my medical class.. but it was troubling, since I still have a hard time understanding health insurance.. It can get quite complicating when it comes to coverage and benefits.. and basically how it works.. I always thought it was something easy to grasp.. it was easy all these years being a patient.. all I had to do was to make an appointment, go to see the dcotor and then make a copayment afterwards.. But I guess it is much harder for the office staffs working there.. I am losing confidence in being able to pass all the classes and actually being hired as a medical assistant.. I think the most I can do is to try and put effort into everything I do.
I also bought a cd which I anticipated to have nice songs.. but it doesn't seem to have ..I guess I chose the wrong one. .Maybe I should only buy cantonese ones from now on. . I like Joey Yung's voice and The Twin's voice .
(~_~) (~_*) (^_^) (@_~) (^_*) (o_o) (<_>) (''*o*'') (o*_*o) (*=*) (^_o)
2005年4月23日 上午8點53分00秒
4-23-05 (Saturday)
It's finally time to add a new entry again as I haven't done so for many months. These days, I am only busy with school, mainly studying.. but many times, I can't concentrate on my tasks due to my health conditions and sadness..I can't find much meaning and hope in doing anything.. even when I have aced an exam or an assignment, those things don't mean anything .. School has started about 3 months ago.. I didn't ever think of going back to school but it's hard to find a job without a degree these days so I found it necessary to do so.. There's only about 11 more months to go.. and hopefully I can graduate by that time.. Honestly, studying medical assisting is quite hard for me. I still fear learning to inject shots and put on dressings for wounds on patients.. and well, the administrative aspects will be hard too..because I am not that good at computers. .but I will try hard to finish the program and hopefully get a good paying job.
And I also went to see the ophthalmologist today for a follow up visit. I ended up having a new set of punctal plugs inserted into the punctum or tear ducts of both of my eyes. It still feels uncomfortable in my left eye. And after administering eye drops into my eyes , it only lasted less than an hour before I felt the surface area dry again.The tears just doesn't stay long enough on the eyes. .So I was losing hope again. I wish I had healthy eyes just like all of my other classmates.. everything attending my vocational college has healthy eyes.. they are so lucky .. but some of them just haven't realized it. And I was looking into the doctor's eyes. they looked so healthy too.
And bad bad bad .. I felt hopeless so I was overeating again.. on crackers which did have fat and also rice crackers.. and an orange.. I was trying to reach under 100 this entire time.. now i don't think it's possible.. really, it's not losing weight to be pretty or more pretty. .or anything pertaining to beauty. .losing weight gives me a feeling of control over my life and some accomplishment at least.. All of my life, I was a pure failure.. being teased at school starting from kindergarten until the end of high school.. and being looked down on while I volunteered at a physician's office.. because I was a slow learner. .. dumb to be exact.
And talking about guys, one of my "note friends" asked me in the email the other day how it feels to be secretly admiring 3 guys at one time.. and whicho one will I end up choosing .. and I just didn't need time to think about the reply.. the answer was that they don't know that I like them and they will never know.. because I will never say it out.. because I can't have one.
i'll end my thoughts here . 