monettetibig的主頁

mama lied to me (continuation of 'papa loves me...

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 01:26 EST

i passed the college entrance examination in baguio, but, mama forced me to take another exam in manila. i told her i'll be fine in baguio but she said my future is in manila. so, as she wished, i took another examination.

just like the other exams i took, i passed the PUP exam in manila.

i really wanted to study in baguio where most of my friends are going to study too, but mom did not agree with me. she said she just wanted us (together with my two older sisters who are studying in manila) to stay under the same roof. she wanted us to live together when we're away from home.

one afternoon, i ran out of cell phone load. i really needed to reply my friend, so, i borrowed my moms phone. when i was about to delete my message in her "sent items" i saw and read my moms messages to my sister.

mom lied to me. she did. she's not sending me to manila to make us (together with my sisters) live together under the same roof. she's sending me there because she doesn't trust me, and likewise with my friends. she wanted my sisters to look after me.

i'm no longer a baby, or a kid. i understand her if she wanted to protect me, and i appreciate that. but, she doesn't need to lie to me. and i really don't like the idea that she doesn't trust my friends as much as she doesn't trust me.

i want to get their trust back, but, i don't know where to get it and how to get it back. i just wished that someday, without doing anything, they'll realize my friends and i are worthy to be trusted.

to all my friends whom my mom did not trust, i'm so sorry about that.but i promise you all, we'll be together for the next 100 years, or even more.

iloveu all!=)

papa loves me, though i'm different

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 22:14 EST

my parents think of me as the blacksheep of the family. i knew why, because they think of me as the worst child they had. as far as i know, i haven't done anything that offended them, or anything that put them to shame. maybe because i'mn the middle child that's why i have the impression of being a bad girl.

since i turned 8 and grew older, i never consulted my parents when i have a problem. i just kept them all inside me and do all the healings and solutions by myself.

there were times when i really think they don't care about me anymore, as if i don't belong in the family. they never asked me how i did on my exams, if i have eaten my breakfast or my dinner, or if i'm feeling okay. they never did. and i never asked why..

my family has the impression of me as smoker, but i actually never tried. they think i'm not attending my classes and just go out hanging with my friends- they didn't knew my friends can't even invite me stay and chat with them for just 5 minutes after school hours. they think i drink liquor, but i don't even know liquor brands. sometimes i ask myself, "do i look like an out-of-shool-youth addict?" do i look like one?

i remember our recognition day when i was 9 years old. i was an honor student in our class. on our recognition day, my mom did not arrive; actually nobody from the family arrived, even just to see me on stage being awarded. when my name was called, i hesitated to climb the stage because i don't have an escort. i really wanted to cry that very moment, i wanted to scream and kill everybody.. but thanks to aunt merlyn (my best friend's mother), she took my hand and esscorted me.

since that day, i felt like nobody appreciates my achivements; aside from my friends and aunt merlyn. that's the reason why i treasure my friends and i wanted t have more friends. my friends make me feel i belong, they make me feel they care for me. i love my friends so much. that's true, seriously!

when i was a graduating student in high school, i took college examinations. one night, when i was preparing the things i need on my way to baguio (summer capital of the philippies), i heard murmurs inside my parents room. i sneaked on their rooms door and i heard my dad praying.. "please help mae on her examination, please take good care of her on her way and please look after her always. i pray Lord, please give her a bright future..". i saw tears rolled down on his cheeks. when my mother saw my dad's tears, she said "why are you crying? just let her do all she wanted to do in her life. let her choose the life she wanted." my dad semmed upset by my mothers words and replied "i know how she feels, let us support her in any way we could. she is our daughter, her future is our responsibility. i can feel all the pain she keeps inside her heart. i know she's hurt everytime you call her a fool. i know she always cries in the bathroom. i also know she's full of anger and hatred, but she never showed us because she thinks those are weaknesses. she wanted to prove herself that's why she's not that emotional in front of us.."

he's right. everything he said's true..

before i have noticed it, tears starded running down my cheeks. i ran downstairs and locked myself in the basement and cried.

since that day, i realized and i have proven, my daddy loves me. he understands me, he could feel th e pain inside my heart. i wasn't expecting that from dad. i thought my mom would understand me more than my dad, but what i heard and saw proved me wrong.

nobody in the family knew i heard their conversation. but, i knew dad will always be there to support my dreams.

i love you papa!

-mae

a sad story (way back in sept. 2, 2006)

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 01:08 EST

my grandmother is my bestfriend, i even love her more than my own mother.

it was a very exciting morning that day (sept. 2) when i woke up, it's because my friends and i are about to experience our very first hiking. i got myself ready and left home without saying goodbye to grandma and the rest of the family.

that hiking gave me complete happiness. because of that hiking, i experienced my first taste of fresh water from the mountains, my first swim on a river, my first bathe without changing my clothes, and the worst incident that ever happened in my life.

i went home at around 7pm. i noticed that the house is so quiet. when i reached the sala, i saw my nother crying, my father shedding tears, and my brother quietly sitting beside my mother.. what i saw was a very unusual scene.

upon entering, i said 'i'm home!' and ignored the unusual scene. i entered my room, changed my clothes and went straight to grandma's room to share my very exciting experience.

when i entered her room, i saw her lying on her bed, her eyes closed-- my grandma's sleeping. suddenly, i smiled and tears started clouding my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. i realized, my granma wasn't sleeping. it was that moment that i've known the reason behind my mothers tears.

i was in fourth year high snhool then (the last year of high school level in philippines), and graduation day is six months away. my grandma wasn't able to fulfill her promise to me that she will escort me on stage to pin my ribbon, or even just to see me receive my diploma..

i will always treasure the moments we shared together. i lost my grandma, my best friend.. but my love will never be lost, i promise!

my nightmare

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 23:25 EST

last night, i had a nightmare. in my dream, my mother was dying. my father then was looking at me very weird. that same day, my mother died. my father wasn't sad. during the night when i'm in my room still mourning, my father entered my room without knocking. he closed and locked the door. when he was about to do that 'thing', i woke up shaking and terrified. it was three o'clock in the morning. i can't sleep then so i opened the Health and Home book. upon opening, the article's title writen on the page was 'pregnat at 17!'. i realized, i'm 17! i turned the pages and i read an article saying that the third daughter of a family is mostly raped by their father.. and i realized again, i'm the third child.. it's really weird, buut i hope taht nightmare doesn't mean anything..