網誌
2006年1月21日 上午5點26分56秒I cry out......
Jan 21, 2006 Saturday
Lord, you know that it's really a hard time for me.
The deadlines for applications have already passed, but I am still pondering what should I write, what do I really want to be and to do in the prospective grad school.
Plus all the eye-opening experience in Mississippi and gender discussions, which occupied my thoughts and, sadly, also robbed my time avilable.
Plus all the emotional stirring, jealousy, pain and inner heartbreak just because I still cannot let go of my crush on her, whom I see everyday. I know that I am making myself a big liar when I said the intensity level has come down to 15-20% from the peak in November -- the desire and longing for relationship is still there and I just cannot deny it anymore.
Plus loneliness when I discovered I am still an outsider among InterVarsity friends and making deep friendship is just so difficult, just because of who I am, how well I speak and act. Perhaps I am too pessimistic or antisocial, but why...... Why?
Plus my Mom's deafening phone call...... oh well. I am glad that she is so concerned about me, my living and my plan, but it's also a tremendous source of pressure. I am sure that she can't fully understand the hardship I am really going through. What I can say is just a pretending "I am OK", and talking about peripheral or logistical stuff around family but can rarely get to the deepest of our relationship can carry. Imagine what will happen when I "courageously" declare to my parents that following God is above money and everything, which my fellow brothers and sisters are committed into? How much have they sacrificed and how much pressure have they beared so that I have all the privilege to what I have right now? How much should I pay back to, or at least, be considerate about them?
Plus...... I can't count. There are burdens of inequalities and injustice in this world that upset my spirit. But with all the struggles, pressure and pain above crushing my spirit, do I still have strength to do anything with them?
Lord, help me!
Save me from this place!
Rescue me and deliver me!
In such of desperation and hopelessness,
I know that I have nothing I can rely on but you.
Nobody may understand me, but you know me thoroughly.
You heart is close to me, and your footsteps never leave me.
*** ***
I cry out
for you hands of mercy to heal me.
I am weak,
I need your love to free me.
Oh Lord, my God,
my strength in weakness,
come rescue me Oh Lord!
You are my hope!
Your promise never fails me,
and my desire
is to follow you forever.
For you are good,
for you are good,
for you are good to me.
For you are good,
for you are good,
for you are good to me!
2006年1月20日 上午4點09分37秒Why?
Why do I come to Bucknell? Why am I in InterVarsity? Why do I fly from far away and spend four years in this nowhere place?
I lose hope. After a brief rapture of excitement and merriness, everything grows dark again and what is left is mere emptiness and sorrow.
I am lonely. I can never get into their culture, their world, no matter how much I try. I am an outsider.
Why make friends? Why play around shallow humor and meaningless conversations? Why not just be anti-social? Why not just be by myself?
Why dream for relationship? Why wander in mind for fantasies?
Why pretend that I am fine? Why keep an image of faith as solid as rock while I am actually full of unbelief? Why not just follow the world?
But Lord, you created me. You love me and died for me. Why?
Why is it so painful to be your follower? Why must I deny myself and bear all these burdens? What should I really deny? What should I really bear? Who am I when I do these? Christ indeed dwells in me and lives through me, but then who am I?
Oh Lord, where are you amid all these turmoils?
2006年1月12日 下午3點02分20秒Calmness in the midst of the storm......
January 12, 2006 Thursday
In Waveland, Mississippi
As I kept driving during Christmas break, the trip came out that Brittany couldn't host me, so it was kind'of meaningless to pass by Gretchen's house as well. After having several most wonderful days of this break with Stacusa and Bender, I headed back to Lewisburg, prematurely.
Then I fell into my little world again, struggling to find meaning, purpose and purity. In spite of Ed Smith family and Tom & Jamie's heart-warming hospitality, I was poor and hungry, in every aspect of life.
After a few days of rest, it came more driving: all the way down through that narrow, scary I-476 by myself and picked up Matt in Philly. Some reminiscence of the people, places and events during that six weeks, which totally transformed my life: downtown Philly, Spirit & Truth, Ayuda, the kids...... looking back to the present self, I am lost...... Where am I heading to right now? Will I follow the steps of Ben, who is also a CS major? Where is my root of life?
Then everybody, about whom I struggled in my heart, showed up. It was expected and yearned for, I admit, shamefully or not. However, it was such a confusing and perplexing time. Everything got stirred up, and I almost lost control on myself...... how could I spend the next seven days with them? I would probably get crazy.
Then, in the midst of the storm, a sudden calmness appeared. Through the eye of the hurricane, I could look up and see the clear blue sky, just like what Waveland had probably experienced four months ago. It was deeply inspiring, breath-taking and transcending, up to the highest star in the sky, the most powerful heat of the flame. They -- however beautiful, charming, attractive -- are not important anymore. The down-to-earth labor, dusty hands, muddy feet, exhausted joints and muscles showed that we are mere flesh, prosper in a while, then wither and we are no more. The deceptive imaginations are finally revealed.
Lord, thank you. Show me yourself in the midst of the storm.