網誌
2005年12月16日 上午11點41分48秒Finally...... it's over
December 16, 2005
Finally...... it's over.
I am so longing to see my bed, lay on it, and never wake up again.
Just 6 more hours! Take heart! Be strong!
2005年12月13日 上午7點10分29秒Gateway and the Reality (2)
December 13, 2005 Tuesday
TechDesk, Bucknell Library
4 months after Gateway; 12 days before Christmas; 5 months before graduation
Why am I writing a journal at this time, when I am alone, tired and sleepy, stuck by a problematic laptop in TechDesk at 2am?
I don't know.
Everything changes. People change. Situations change. My state of mind and feelings change as well.
I still remembered when it was 3am at night. I laid down at the couch, intentionally dreaming back to the old past, progressing through every pivot event and situation, seeing the transformation of my life --- happiness and sadness, prosperity and dark ages, clearness and fog ahead, friendship and enemity; oscillating between silence and openness, obedience and rebellion, immaturity and maturity......
And now I am here, typing.
So much desires: for her(or multiple 'her's, if dreadfully), for mere joy and satisfaction without contamination of sin, for acceptance from schools on that stupid list, for a dream-like rocking performance in the recital hall, for grades, for relationships of every kind, for a final place to settle down and connect my root to it, for that lofty goal of fulfilling and fruitful life. Vocation. Mission. Eternity......
Keami, who are you? Where you are? Where will you go? Lord, would you answer these, or just show a way, give a little hint?
The tiny Vaio is finally done. My journey is not done yet.
I am done with those hedious spywares and viruses. "Sin is not done with you yet!", my spirit echoes.
Before GRE, I was tired. Then before all the finals, I was exhausted. Now everything is over; I am worn out.
Perhaps I should take a personal retreat, and let my spirit and my mind do some cleansing for the mess of my soul.
Well...... Perhaps I don't know what I am writing. Perhaps I should just go to sleep now.......
2005年8月16日 上午5點33分42秒Gateway and the Reality (1)
August 15, 2005 Monday
2 weeks after Gateway
This is a painful struggle......
The picture of shalom is so beautiful, so glorious, but the earth rotates everyday as usual, the reality of life presses on.
I am not questioning the usefulness and purpose of the program, which
greatly expanded my perspective about God, Jesus, gospel, and what does
he care the most. I learned of living as a spiritual community,
resolving conflicts, bringing the kingdom of God, impacting people's
lives, walking out of the comfort zone, breaking through stereotypes,
and tearing down walls of skin colors, ethnicity and economic
classes. Among many programs I have ever joined, this was the one
that I would remember forever: the Gateway people, Spirit and Truth,
Ayuda Day Camp's kids (I could still recount every one of their names
and faces!)
But the picture of shalom is just TOO beautiful. It's so
beautiful, almost like a dream. An unrealistic dream. When
everything is coming on my way -- academics, family, jobs or further
study, financial support -- the compelling and breathtaking vision is
starting to get blurred. I explained, people didn't understand
me; I insisted, people mocked at my naive, unrealistic, "brainwashed"
mind; I reached out, people responded with a shallow, little nice
greeting and chilling about "what's goin'on" matters; I cried out to
the Lord "Where is your Kingdom!!", the world, including many churches,
returns an echo of my desperate shout. The louder I shout, the
greater the echo is.
This is a painful struggle......
All these things manifested to the climax when I had a few "heated"
phone conversations with my Mom, and my brother drove his car down to
Bucknell and gave his car to me. It's easy to recite that Jesus
taught us "Do not worry about what to eat, what to drink, what to
wear", it's difficult to say that I had followed even closely to his
teaching. Signing checks one after one and spending money bucks
by bucks during the whole process of acquiring the car, I wondered,
"How many hours do I need to work in TechDesk to at least cover most of
the spending?" While I am happy that finally I have a car which I
can drive by myself, how about the neighbors in Philadelphia who are
not even able to take a portion of their little grocery spending to pay
for the vehicle registration fee! I am depressed of my privilege,
but I got to accept my role because I am a college student! Who
actually know how much internal struggle and turmoil there is behind
the good news "Keami has a car"?
Moreover, I should be very honest on this. It's easy to say that
Jesus taught us to "love your neighbors as yourself", "love each
other". It's difficult to love the one of the closest blood
relationship. The arrival of my brother really gave me an
everlasting "oppressive presence". Reminding how he spoke and
acted imperatively as an instructor more than a brother, how he mocked
and made fun of almost every aspect of my life, how he "embarassed" me
in dinner table...... perhaps it is just the way it is because I am
always his younger brother, perhaps it is the remnants of our roles in
family dynamics when we lived together...... I am not happy about
him. I feel suppressed. I cannot freely express my true
self and my personality, which is not as introvert and quiet as my
family member think. I hope he'll understand that I may not be
talkative, witty or sociable as he is, but I definitely desire for
true, deep interpersonal relationships, and I will do something to seek
it. It's actually pretty easy to open my inner world. It
doesn't need to be topics about God, ComSci or piano all the
time. Just some attitudes: humbleness instead of boasting, warmth
and sincerity instead of irony and mocking, and desire for redeeming
conversations instead of mere chilling. However, looking from
another angle, am I demanding too much? Am I not open and
accepting to different types of people? Do I again impose my
standard on others and refuse to give up my stereotypes? As a
dorm study leader, how am I going to welcome many students in my hall
who may have similar personalities? Am I even "qualified" to ask
them to change? That's something I need to think about.
2005年5月18日 上午1點43分34秒A morning prayer for my vocation
My dear Lord,
Lord, help my little-faith heart to trust you wholeheartedly that you will provide. You are my Lord in the discernment of occupations and careers.
So much fear and pressure is coming upon me, and I don't think my parents, who have totally different perspectives and worldviews, are able to understand me. Indeed, their guidances and advices are helpful, but I need you! I need your guidance and help, your leading and direction.
I am so confused of whether I should stay in HK or US......
Am I suitable for Christian ministry? Am I mature enough for that? Am I capable? If yes, in HK or US? A church or IV?
Or other ways, what kind of jobs should I apply? Or graduate school (Prof. Wittie gives interest to me in this field......)? Stay in US for OPT for one year, or go on to study?
What is my true talent and skill? Com. Sci., Greek, Classics, Music, Piano Performance, Business, Accounting? Be a scholar, a minister, a free person or professional one?
Help me to overcome the money and family issues, which are very, very pressing. I know that sometimes they are impossible to avoid. Lord, save me and be with me in the midst of these!
Give me a sensitive, humble and listening (audible ^.^) heart. Help me to listen to your voices in daily lives.
Grant me the peace, the exceptional peace to those who trust you, follow you and love you.
Help me to start planning carefully, wisely and seriously on this. Help me to transcend from myself, my interpersonal relationships and my surrounding environments. Help me to look upon them from your perspective, with your heavenly eyes.
Prepare some godly and insightful guides and mentors, in everywhere, to help me and give me the awakening words. Chris & Jess, Gateway experience, Vera Hung, Ian, and other wonderful, spiritual Christians in your eyes.
Lord, here I lay down all these plans to you. I believe that you are the one who guides us, who brings us to the maximum fulfillment of our vocations, destinies and purposes, who encourages us to live only for your kingdom and your glory. Having a successful job, material enjoyment, money or leisure are just secondary.
Lord the Most Holy. May your will be done. May your name be glorified! I bow down and worship you!
In your bewloved son's name. Amen!
Your little child
Keami
2005年4月22日 下午5點58分44秒Piano Recital in 2 days!!!!!! Orchestra...
Piano Recital in 2 days!!!!!!
Orchestra concert today!!!