網誌
2006年10月29日 上午2點55分32秒Time to go back again....... but where?
October 28, 2006 Saturday
Washington DC
How to describe the past month? I don't know.
It's a very strange month. I look forward and back. I stretch out myself to many things and events. I went back and forth.
Still, I don't know.
When Kevin gently asked me last night, "So how do you feel about living in DC now and getting adjusted to it?" I said, "Ya....... it feeling more and more ok. Indeed, it wouldn't be like Hong Kong or Lewisburg, which I really am attached to, and regard as my 'Home'."
I am not quite sure if what I said is true in my heart. When I arrived at Will and Walt's place right in the beginning, everything is just great. Then when I need to "wander" among hostels, hotels and the new apartment with a mere box spring, things are getting really tough, physically and mentally. But during these two periods, my vision in DC is clear and my passion for living a purposeful life is vibrant.
Now things are getting settled. First of all, a full-size bed too comfortable to wake up. The homecoming weekend is just like a wonderful vacation in the dreamland. Then getting involved in GCC, a great, homey church half a block from my apartment. The grad fellowship is going pretty steady, along with the Daniel manuscript I can proudly boast(^.^), the N.T. Wright speech in Georgetown, grad dessert and its intellectually stimulating speaker. Moreover, a sturdy shelf for all my books, which included the N.T. Wright book (be reminded that it's freely given!!!), an amazing job offer that can occupy me for 20 hours a week and give me great experience in my field, and even the almost completion of the beautiful passion fugue No. 4 in WTC by Bach......
I have all the reasons to be satisfied and grateful, but I am not. I wish to go back to somewhere else again, either my old lifestyle which I clearly know unfitting to a faithful disciple's, or a chance to escape from the present, like more trips to central PA, the upcoming Urbana (so I can hang out with all the friends just like before!!!), or even spending a summer in the new house in Tai Po, Hong Kong......
My soul, why are you not satisfied? You are given everything you need and want in DC, and He is indeed kind and giving.
Do I still remember all the promising beginnings when I lived a daily life worthy to my calling, either in distant or recent past? Do I still remember the never-used "Spiritual Laws" already kept in my wallet, "perhaps" - a great asumption word I like to use all the time! - useful when it is the time for my duty to share the good news, and the three cards of encouragement, determination and will, even when I am sinning horribly with these things sitting quieting in my pocket???
"Your soul is willing, but your flesh is weak." "How wretched I am!" Should I even proclaim and cry these out as if they are really, very, truly genuine? Can I proved by my fragile, short-lived endurance and determination that it's not just temporary and sentimental?
Truly, by Jesus's blood, I am forgiven all my sins. It is certainly a good news to the whole world! Wait...... even such a stiff-necked, unrepentent reprobate like me? How can it be possible? See, what's the matter to you, who thinks you are so good, on the so-called "painful struggle" of daily life worthy of your deep sorrow and depression, like going to grocery stores 5-6 blocks away? Not feeling anything like empathy at all when you were trying to simulate, in a pleasant and beautiful academic quad setting, just part of the turmoil women in 3rd world countries need to carry water for multiple 2-mile walking round trips, every day, every month, every year until their untimely sickness and death??!!
Agh...... how can I live like this? How can I still live like this while claiming myself to be a Christian?
Lord, crush my hardness and disobedience until I totally sumbit to your life, your will and your kingdom, lest your will for me to destroy myself or to be destroyed under your righteous wrath......
Lord, give me a renewed life in every present moment, just like the old days but looking towards the glorious future......
2006年8月5日 上午11點56分35秒Time to go back again......
August 5, 2006 Saturday
At home, Hong Kong
Visa...... done. Flight ticket...... done. Counting days. Time to go back again......
I started to realized the ruthless fact that studying in United States is such a difficult experience. Climbing on the ladder of success, immersing myself into the majority culture, knowing deep, closed friends, expressing myself and give my voice so to make a difference...... look around my peers (in US), it is apparent that, in many areas, I am far from matching them in this American society.
Looking forward, the next 2-3 years in GW will be the "expansion set" of the game in this pretty hostile world. I REALLY need to plan for (not worry about, I hope) my future, strive with all my strength, knowledge and ability in academics, career and everything. My spiritual stability and maturity got to match, or excel, my participation in a graduate fellowship. No more immaturity, silliness and inconsideration in my relationships with friends and surrounding people, like what I have had in the past four years.
It is so tempting to google my friends with a sense of curiosity (and shame) and later found myself depressed because their lives are better, or their achievements are greater, than mine. I would then usually blame myself for not doing this or that from 10+ years before up to 1-2 days ago, or lament for myself not being smart, witty or sociable enough, not born in America, not raised by an intellectual or artistic family...... How similar are these to the feelings they had when my ChaoZhou relatives visited 2 weeks ago! From their eyes, they probably feel so ashamed (not humbled in a positive way) and their self-esteem plunged for seeing talented relatives in a compartively higher economic and cultural class. They froze in fear, insecurity and inconfidence...... as I did.
How many of these meaningless comparisons destroy people's self-images? How many of these people can never settle down but swing between both extremes of the pendulum in their mental, psychological and spiritual world? Who else am I to compare to when I am at the top of the earth? Perhaps my next goal is in heaven when all the conquering under the sun is over. And very interesting, this is what Satan did:
"I will ascend above the top of the clouds;
I will make myself like the Most High." (Isa. 14:14)
I will not let such kind of mindset overwhelm me and rob me of all the joy, self-image and energy which I should utilize for the growth and benefit of myself, my neighbors and His Kingdom.
(to be continued......)
2006年7月24日 下午6點47分29秒Busy......
July 25, 2006 Tuesday
At home, Hong Kong
Almost two months since the last day in US. Many things had happened.
Upon return, the weekend was spent in exhausting driving to ChaoZhou, only to see my uncle (Mom's second brother) suffering the final days of his life due to his cancer. My family headed back again two weeks after that to attend his funeral --- first funeral I ever participated.
Got the admission offer from GW a fews days after my return from US. The next month was then spent in so much thinking and struggling about my future career and my life, with parents' and peers' pressures, and also His vision and mission, surrounding me. Some ways once seemed to open wide, but then shut suddenly. Some, with tremendous preparation, resulted in disappointment. But now, it should be clear......
This summer was generally a spiritual low in spite of all the wonderful things I have experienced during the two weeks of Chapter Camp right before graduation. Indeed I had expectations that emotions associated with friends, InterVarsity, Bucknell and US would eventually fade away as time went on. However, still, my heart was not fully guarded and prepared for the apathetic aftersight and illusions to come, mostly created by myself.
Going back to TYAC and dealing with my fellows, some of whom knew me very well since the beginning of my Christian journey six years ago, was somehow difficult. I, as well as my thoughts and theology, have changed. Same for my fellows. Up to now, some encounters were awkward, some unsatisfying, some were really sweet...... isn't that what I experienced when I was still running passionately in Chung Mei Estate? I didn't expect much either, expect that the fire that invigorated us will keep burning, no matter where we are.
Some Bucknelliens and alumni visited Hong Kong for several days! I saw Matt and Annie the first time since they got married. I hoped that my family's treatment and the days I spent with them would leave them an amazing impression. Cynthia visited 10 days after that, but the longer version of staying plan was screwed by the typhoon.
Many things at home were fixed during my stay: computer, shoe shelf, music scores and CDs shelf, bookshelves in flat H, wall hangers (with Smith family's graduation present!), picture frames and fax machine.
Learned a lot during the summer work (officially not a job......) in dad's office. An alibaba online trade account was set up and functioning well. Just attended an google marketing seminar and subscribed for a 3-day trial, observing how much publicity it will bring to my dad's little company.
My. Tse, the boss of "Hung Fuk Tong", was an extremely rare Christian businessman I ever knew. Even I am determined not to step into this field, I revere him and learned so much skills about operating a business from him. Surely he is the "King of Business".
Stock management update is a big obstacle. Due to the crazy cost of a piece of Visual FoxPro, I had two options: buy it and update in the old method, or redesign the whole thing with Java and PHP...... wha'the.......
Books killed:
- My brother's keeper (IVP)
- Rich Christians in The Age of Hunger (no doubt it's a classic)
- Knowing God (Alos IVP, and also a classic) --> in progress
Many more books to be killed, however:
- Ending Poverty (By Jeffrey Sachs)
- The Origin of Species (Original by Darwin)
- Hundred Years of Solitude
- Beyond Racial Gridlock (IVP)
- Habits of Mind (IVP)
- Gulliver's Travel
- Heidi
- 高行健短篇小說集
- 當信徒遇上苦難
- 後現代拜物教---消費文化的神學批判
- Many more......
What I hope next is my parents' capability to take heart, relax, and trust the One who has brought their son safely to this stage of his life, and shown him all the risky, but exciting, things coming next in Washington DC. I put this opporunity in "荃葵青"("Tsuen Kwai Tsing"). I knew, Lord, it's kind'of old-fashioned. But I pray that you'll use it.......
Here I look forward and expect.
2006年6月8日 上午10點19分12秒Desperate Job-hunting...... and life-hunting too
July 12, 2006 Wednesday
In father's Office, Hong Kong
"Pilot??!! Hahahahaha............................." I can't believe that's my mom's response.
All these conversations began when the wonderful senior year came.
First, not sure about anything, hoping for World Vision in US, then World Vision in HK,
...... a broad and hopeful vision, but illed preparation and hopeless cling :-(
Then, a good news from Laura (and herself already a good news) prompted me to consider teaching Chinese in St. Andrews...... Chinese? What kind of Mandarin speakers you are?
I'm freak out; I started scanning through "Jiu Jik", browsing website franatically, only found those jobs that require working at Sunday; I hated it......
I turned my focus to Airport jobs (hmmmm....), Hong Kong Correction Services (i.e. in prison), Customs (checking ID and "RMC -> Returning Mainland Card" everyday ;-|), and youth pilot program......
Then, guess what? GW admitted me. The "First application form effect" here worked again. The last time happened when I applied to Bucknell.
But then? I don't know. Why am I so disillusioned such that the broad, noble visions are blurred? The result of throwing oneself into spiritual wasteland, such that Hong Kong's televangelism (in Chinese!) now looks not just extremely annoying, but something that stinks, pierces to the heart, that I must avoid at all cost?
And do I still like TYAC? Where is the unrelenting longing, passion and enthusiasm running straight down from the bus stop to 17 Chung Mei Estate? Something more than cultural shock happened......
...... waiting for I-20 in nervousness is not an excuse, neither uncertainties of responses from DC and Lauren. It was something deeper within...... beyond what I almost thought and did late every night......
............ turn back. Before it's too late......
2006年4月13日 上午6點42分54秒God will make a way
Having gone through so many things this semester and more to come in the unforseeable future, what else can I say? Nothing more than this lovely hymn when I sang it on the first night that I believed......
God Will Make a Way
*******************************
God will make a way where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way
By a roadway
In the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But his word will still remain
He will do something new today
God will make a way where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way