網誌
2007年5月1日 上午2點53分15秒Back to "Real Life"
April 30, 2007 Monday
3 days after Chrysalis; second last day of spring semester
The fourth trip going back to Bucknell in my first year after graduation is over.
Chrysalis was just so amazing. I saw the person I longed to see for so long, and I unleashed and dedicated the fullest of my silly dancing, of course. ^.^ I am more and more confirmed that she is the right person to pursue, in spite of both agreeing and disagreeing comments from different friends and my own doubt about myself.
Driving back to DC after senior celebration was tough, but the feeling is getting more and more "strange"...... a renewed awareness that I have really entered a new stage of life. A new horizon emerges in front of my eyes, just like the broadness that never ends along the Baltimore beltway. Even the sweet memories in Bucknell and the new relationships and responsibilities in DC are still pulling me apart, I started to gain a different kind of strength -- a strength to understand and experience life, a strength to pull these two worlds together to myself instead of getting pulled apart by them.
I miss her and love her very much. I felt confident and solid about this friendship that it will be transformed to something more beautiful, no matter what the result will be. This is unlike anything I have had before, when my affection to a female friend was very much dominated by superficial physical attraction, unhealthy feeling of obsession and false perception of intimacy.
I wish to see her again, no matter where she goes......
I also felt like I am not doing my best in everything in DC. There are just so much God-given energy, potential and talents that I haven't used well. There are just so many things I can be imbued by the inner-fire and do it with unrelenting passion. I cannot give up. I have a calling and a mission. When there is life, there is always hope.
Lord, I pray that you grant me this hope for future, in anything and everything, and empower me to seek it and pursue it -- all for your glory.
2007年4月27日 上午1點28分03秒Major Update
April 26, 2007 Thursday
One day before Chrysalis
Just a major update over different features on my journal.
I know...... this website has been pretty lame since I started doing such a crazy thing called online journaling back in August 2004, the age of innocence and silliness, symbolized by pretty TYAC summer-camp commitment cards with drawings of cute sheeps on them ^.^ (right now I still have one, the Aug 2006 version).
But starting from now, I hope that from the website ingenuity, great insights and deeper thoughts will spring out even more than ever. It's quite interesting to see how I've let my emotions out in all previous journals, when I am not aware, nor have I intended to, that I am surrounded by many friends, both from Hong Kong and US, over this cyberworld.
Now, these friends are actually not absent when I plunge myself into the sea of HTTP packets, and the ways I think about them have gone through drastic changes, just as they have probably had when they first took a curious search, found this site, and were surprised, shocked, or scared. ^.^
Anyway...... enjoy the new stage, and have your beautiful and honorable self updated.
2007年4月24日 下午7點20分23秒Shocked by a person's history......
April 24, 2007 Tuesday
3 days before Chrysalis
Totally shocked.
A random and spontaneous search of that special, familiar screename revealed me a complex story, a very long period and forwards and backwards, ups and downs, a process of huge transformation, a person so much more real and three-dimensional that I had ever known of, thought of and dreamed of!
I was ashamed in the beginning, because I can hardly call myself a good computer science expert when I totally neglected such an insightful information, such a rich resource, on internet (just a popular journal!) for so long since the tiniest friendship developed. And of course, I certainly felt insecure that my journaling life is not "active" and rich enough to be commensurate of my belief, mindset and worldview. I felt even more insecure when my self-categorization is a close friend, while I was pretty much outside the circle......
As I read on...... these feelings are all completely swept away by so much gratitude, shock, awe and fascination. A deep sense of humility filled all the way to my joints and bone marrow. The mental cage is shattered, the chain is broken. I walked out, looked at the sky, smelled the scent of freedom and grace, just as our savior bestowed on both of us in the very very beginning...... totally speechless.
If my crazy CS342 project permits, hopefully I can read through the whole journal, both the "Vol I and II", in chronological order to get prepared to meet the person in bone and flesh -- just as I first met Jesus himself.
2007年3月23日 上午5點21分16秒In the midst of overwhelming loneliness......
March 23, 2007 Friday
16 days before baptism
In the midst of overwhelming loneliness, dark night of the soul......
I know...... I just wish so much that I can call her, write a long romantic letter to her, and pour out everything in my heart to her...... as if she's my savior and ever-present helper.
I know...... I just wrote a long and profound(!) confession, realizing so much about myself, my weaknesses, my deeply-rooted insecurities traced back to the distant past. I cried out for mercy, for help, for a renewal and transformation of life.
And I know...... I am going to get baptized soon. At this critical time, I certainly know what I should focus on, whom I should rely and trust, and why I decided to commit my life to the mystery of baptismal water and its covenant.
But I am lonely! I am SO LONELY!
Argh.........................................................................................
................................................................
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........
Lord, would you come and fill this empty space?
"God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."
~ Reinhold Niebuhr
2007年1月3日 下午6點12分45秒Keami's Paslm 42
January 3, 2007 Wednesday
Washington, DC
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while the "real world" tell me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of Pomatac,
the heights of Appalachian,
the area of Foggy Bottom.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your Great Falls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me --
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock,
"why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"
My spirit suffer deep agony
as powers and authorities taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.