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2004年9月16日 上午6點01分55秒September 16, 2004 Thursday Perhaps it is...
September 16, 2004 Thursday
Perhaps it is the time to pick up my diary again......
Coming the 3rd year in college, 5th semester, I suddently find that time passed so quickly, without being noticed.
I still remember when two years ago, I sent out the letter replying the acceptance to Bucknell, I prayed. I put my decision of studying in US to God, firmly believing that he would lead me and guide me.
But now, a even greater challange, a decision even harder to make, is coming near as the time passes. Should I go back to Hong Kong, or stay here, or go somewhere after graduation? Can I still adjust to a crowded city which I have left to a college in a middle-Pennsylvania town for 4 years? Should I find a job, go to graduate school, or do some other things? Unlike the friends around me, I am not a US citizen or Pemanent Resident, and that means much more limited choices, and much higher difficulty.
A mixed feeling, between my distant home and my college, comes up in my mind...... I can't describe that with my limited words......
Many people may not understand how perplexing it is. I should always remind myself that my future way of life is so different. Few people in Bucknell has walked on the way which I am walking now. I should always remind myself that my future is so unclear and unpredictable, unless it is in the hands of God. I should always remind myself that my goal in these 4 years is find out what is God's plan on me, and what does he want me to do, in any way, to fulfill his will and glorify him. That's always my ultimate goal regardness of my daily mood, situation, or spirituality.
However, my mind seems not listening to my inner heart very well, and often trying to find its own way to fulfill all kinds of dreams and desires. My strong desire (I am not sure if it is sinful or just natural, but I am pretty sure that it is very inappropriate right now) pushes me to find a girl, have a date, and enjoy the intimate relationship from it. It also gives me many wonderful daysdreams and imaginations, wishing to have a beautiful, lovely "Christian" girl. These targets of dreams have never ceased to appear: in Chapel, in Intervarsity, in Bible Study, in Greek Class, in Music Building, in Orchestra, in......
Perhaps, at this time, I should strongly, seriously reaffirm to myself that I AM DIFFERENT. I don't mean that I am more pieous or superior than they are, but my situation and destiny is just different. I have more important goals in Bucknell, and these dreams are just too virtual to happen. (Don't think about playing piano for your "most dear" in a recital anymore......) How can I walk with a companion for my lifetime without knowing exactly my own goal, knowing where am I walking to? How can I share my inmost part - my faith - to my closest partner without first strengthen and deepen my faith enought, in love, wisdom and also maturity?
Somebody may say I am getting really crazy, but I am not afraid to open my heart totally to my Lord, without leaving any secrets, hidden places and sins inside:
Lord, if possible in your will,
take away my desires which enslave me,
take away those unrealistic dreams which deceive me,
take away the tensions from these which torture me,
and Lord, if possible in your absolute holiness,
take away everything which hinders my will to seek you and your will, no matter how tough and painful it is.
In Jesus name, Amen!