網誌
2006年10月29日 上午2點55分32秒Time to go back again....... but where?
October 28, 2006 Saturday
Washington DC
How to describe the past month? I don't know.
It's a very strange month. I look forward and back. I stretch out myself to many things and events. I went back and forth.
Still, I don't know.
When Kevin gently asked me last night, "So how do you feel about living in DC now and getting adjusted to it?" I said, "Ya....... it feeling more and more ok. Indeed, it wouldn't be like Hong Kong or Lewisburg, which I really am attached to, and regard as my 'Home'."
I am not quite sure if what I said is true in my heart. When I arrived at Will and Walt's place right in the beginning, everything is just great. Then when I need to "wander" among hostels, hotels and the new apartment with a mere box spring, things are getting really tough, physically and mentally. But during these two periods, my vision in DC is clear and my passion for living a purposeful life is vibrant.
Now things are getting settled. First of all, a full-size bed too comfortable to wake up. The homecoming weekend is just like a wonderful vacation in the dreamland. Then getting involved in GCC, a great, homey church half a block from my apartment. The grad fellowship is going pretty steady, along with the Daniel manuscript I can proudly boast(^.^), the N.T. Wright speech in Georgetown, grad dessert and its intellectually stimulating speaker. Moreover, a sturdy shelf for all my books, which included the N.T. Wright book (be reminded that it's freely given!!!), an amazing job offer that can occupy me for 20 hours a week and give me great experience in my field, and even the almost completion of the beautiful passion fugue No. 4 in WTC by Bach......
I have all the reasons to be satisfied and grateful, but I am not. I wish to go back to somewhere else again, either my old lifestyle which I clearly know unfitting to a faithful disciple's, or a chance to escape from the present, like more trips to central PA, the upcoming Urbana (so I can hang out with all the friends just like before!!!), or even spending a summer in the new house in Tai Po, Hong Kong......
My soul, why are you not satisfied? You are given everything you need and want in DC, and He is indeed kind and giving.
Do I still remember all the promising beginnings when I lived a daily life worthy to my calling, either in distant or recent past? Do I still remember the never-used "Spiritual Laws" already kept in my wallet, "perhaps" - a great asumption word I like to use all the time! - useful when it is the time for my duty to share the good news, and the three cards of encouragement, determination and will, even when I am sinning horribly with these things sitting quieting in my pocket???
"Your soul is willing, but your flesh is weak." "How wretched I am!" Should I even proclaim and cry these out as if they are really, very, truly genuine? Can I proved by my fragile, short-lived endurance and determination that it's not just temporary and sentimental?
Truly, by Jesus's blood, I am forgiven all my sins. It is certainly a good news to the whole world! Wait...... even such a stiff-necked, unrepentent reprobate like me? How can it be possible? See, what's the matter to you, who thinks you are so good, on the so-called "painful struggle" of daily life worthy of your deep sorrow and depression, like going to grocery stores 5-6 blocks away? Not feeling anything like empathy at all when you were trying to simulate, in a pleasant and beautiful academic quad setting, just part of the turmoil women in 3rd world countries need to carry water for multiple 2-mile walking round trips, every day, every month, every year until their untimely sickness and death??!!
Agh...... how can I live like this? How can I still live like this while claiming myself to be a Christian?
Lord, crush my hardness and disobedience until I totally sumbit to your life, your will and your kingdom, lest your will for me to destroy myself or to be destroyed under your righteous wrath......
Lord, give me a renewed life in every present moment, just like the old days but looking towards the glorious future......