網誌
2006年8月5日 上午11點56分35秒Time to go back again......
August 5, 2006 Saturday
At home, Hong Kong
Visa...... done. Flight ticket...... done. Counting days. Time to go back again......
I started to realized the ruthless fact that studying in United States is such a difficult experience. Climbing on the ladder of success, immersing myself into the majority culture, knowing deep, closed friends, expressing myself and give my voice so to make a difference...... look around my peers (in US), it is apparent that, in many areas, I am far from matching them in this American society.
Looking forward, the next 2-3 years in GW will be the "expansion set" of the game in this pretty hostile world. I REALLY need to plan for (not worry about, I hope) my future, strive with all my strength, knowledge and ability in academics, career and everything. My spiritual stability and maturity got to match, or excel, my participation in a graduate fellowship. No more immaturity, silliness and inconsideration in my relationships with friends and surrounding people, like what I have had in the past four years.
It is so tempting to google my friends with a sense of curiosity (and shame) and later found myself depressed because their lives are better, or their achievements are greater, than mine. I would then usually blame myself for not doing this or that from 10+ years before up to 1-2 days ago, or lament for myself not being smart, witty or sociable enough, not born in America, not raised by an intellectual or artistic family...... How similar are these to the feelings they had when my ChaoZhou relatives visited 2 weeks ago! From their eyes, they probably feel so ashamed (not humbled in a positive way) and their self-esteem plunged for seeing talented relatives in a compartively higher economic and cultural class. They froze in fear, insecurity and inconfidence...... as I did.
How many of these meaningless comparisons destroy people's self-images? How many of these people can never settle down but swing between both extremes of the pendulum in their mental, psychological and spiritual world? Who else am I to compare to when I am at the top of the earth? Perhaps my next goal is in heaven when all the conquering under the sun is over. And very interesting, this is what Satan did:
"I will ascend above the top of the clouds;
I will make myself like the Most High." (Isa. 14:14)
I will not let such kind of mindset overwhelm me and rob me of all the joy, self-image and energy which I should utilize for the growth and benefit of myself, my neighbors and His Kingdom.
(to be continued......)