網誌
2006年1月21日 上午5點26分56秒I cry out......
Jan 21, 2006 Saturday
Lord, you know that it's really a hard time for me.
The deadlines for applications have already passed, but I am still pondering what should I write, what do I really want to be and to do in the prospective grad school.
Plus all the eye-opening experience in Mississippi and gender discussions, which occupied my thoughts and, sadly, also robbed my time avilable.
Plus all the emotional stirring, jealousy, pain and inner heartbreak just because I still cannot let go of my crush on her, whom I see everyday. I know that I am making myself a big liar when I said the intensity level has come down to 15-20% from the peak in November -- the desire and longing for relationship is still there and I just cannot deny it anymore.
Plus loneliness when I discovered I am still an outsider among InterVarsity friends and making deep friendship is just so difficult, just because of who I am, how well I speak and act. Perhaps I am too pessimistic or antisocial, but why...... Why?
Plus my Mom's deafening phone call...... oh well. I am glad that she is so concerned about me, my living and my plan, but it's also a tremendous source of pressure. I am sure that she can't fully understand the hardship I am really going through. What I can say is just a pretending "I am OK", and talking about peripheral or logistical stuff around family but can rarely get to the deepest of our relationship can carry. Imagine what will happen when I "courageously" declare to my parents that following God is above money and everything, which my fellow brothers and sisters are committed into? How much have they sacrificed and how much pressure have they beared so that I have all the privilege to what I have right now? How much should I pay back to, or at least, be considerate about them?
Plus...... I can't count. There are burdens of inequalities and injustice in this world that upset my spirit. But with all the struggles, pressure and pain above crushing my spirit, do I still have strength to do anything with them?
Lord, help me!
Save me from this place!
Rescue me and deliver me!
In such of desperation and hopelessness,
I know that I have nothing I can rely on but you.
Nobody may understand me, but you know me thoroughly.
You heart is close to me, and your footsteps never leave me.
*** ***
I cry out
for you hands of mercy to heal me.
I am weak,
I need your love to free me.
Oh Lord, my God,
my strength in weakness,
come rescue me Oh Lord!
You are my hope!
Your promise never fails me,
and my desire
is to follow you forever.
For you are good,
for you are good,
for you are good to me.
For you are good,
for you are good,
for you are good to me!