網誌
2005年12月13日 上午7點10分29秒Gateway and the Reality (2)
December 13, 2005 Tuesday
TechDesk, Bucknell Library
4 months after Gateway; 12 days before Christmas; 5 months before graduation
Why am I writing a journal at this time, when I am alone, tired and sleepy, stuck by a problematic laptop in TechDesk at 2am?
I don't know.
Everything changes. People change. Situations change. My state of mind and feelings change as well.
I still remembered when it was 3am at night. I laid down at the couch, intentionally dreaming back to the old past, progressing through every pivot event and situation, seeing the transformation of my life --- happiness and sadness, prosperity and dark ages, clearness and fog ahead, friendship and enemity; oscillating between silence and openness, obedience and rebellion, immaturity and maturity......
And now I am here, typing.
So much desires: for her(or multiple 'her's, if dreadfully), for mere joy and satisfaction without contamination of sin, for acceptance from schools on that stupid list, for a dream-like rocking performance in the recital hall, for grades, for relationships of every kind, for a final place to settle down and connect my root to it, for that lofty goal of fulfilling and fruitful life. Vocation. Mission. Eternity......
Keami, who are you? Where you are? Where will you go? Lord, would you answer these, or just show a way, give a little hint?
The tiny Vaio is finally done. My journey is not done yet.
I am done with those hedious spywares and viruses. "Sin is not done with you yet!", my spirit echoes.
Before GRE, I was tired. Then before all the finals, I was exhausted. Now everything is over; I am worn out.
Perhaps I should take a personal retreat, and let my spirit and my mind do some cleansing for the mess of my soul.
Well...... Perhaps I don't know what I am writing. Perhaps I should just go to sleep now.......