網誌
2005年8月16日 上午5點33分42秒Gateway and the Reality (1)
August 15, 2005 Monday
2 weeks after Gateway
This is a painful struggle......
The picture of shalom is so beautiful, so glorious, but the earth rotates everyday as usual, the reality of life presses on.
I am not questioning the usefulness and purpose of the program, which
greatly expanded my perspective about God, Jesus, gospel, and what does
he care the most. I learned of living as a spiritual community,
resolving conflicts, bringing the kingdom of God, impacting people's
lives, walking out of the comfort zone, breaking through stereotypes,
and tearing down walls of skin colors, ethnicity and economic
classes. Among many programs I have ever joined, this was the one
that I would remember forever: the Gateway people, Spirit and Truth,
Ayuda Day Camp's kids (I could still recount every one of their names
and faces!)
But the picture of shalom is just TOO beautiful. It's so
beautiful, almost like a dream. An unrealistic dream. When
everything is coming on my way -- academics, family, jobs or further
study, financial support -- the compelling and breathtaking vision is
starting to get blurred. I explained, people didn't understand
me; I insisted, people mocked at my naive, unrealistic, "brainwashed"
mind; I reached out, people responded with a shallow, little nice
greeting and chilling about "what's goin'on" matters; I cried out to
the Lord "Where is your Kingdom!!", the world, including many churches,
returns an echo of my desperate shout. The louder I shout, the
greater the echo is.
This is a painful struggle......
All these things manifested to the climax when I had a few "heated"
phone conversations with my Mom, and my brother drove his car down to
Bucknell and gave his car to me. It's easy to recite that Jesus
taught us "Do not worry about what to eat, what to drink, what to
wear", it's difficult to say that I had followed even closely to his
teaching. Signing checks one after one and spending money bucks
by bucks during the whole process of acquiring the car, I wondered,
"How many hours do I need to work in TechDesk to at least cover most of
the spending?" While I am happy that finally I have a car which I
can drive by myself, how about the neighbors in Philadelphia who are
not even able to take a portion of their little grocery spending to pay
for the vehicle registration fee! I am depressed of my privilege,
but I got to accept my role because I am a college student! Who
actually know how much internal struggle and turmoil there is behind
the good news "Keami has a car"?
Moreover, I should be very honest on this. It's easy to say that
Jesus taught us to "love your neighbors as yourself", "love each
other". It's difficult to love the one of the closest blood
relationship. The arrival of my brother really gave me an
everlasting "oppressive presence". Reminding how he spoke and
acted imperatively as an instructor more than a brother, how he mocked
and made fun of almost every aspect of my life, how he "embarassed" me
in dinner table...... perhaps it is just the way it is because I am
always his younger brother, perhaps it is the remnants of our roles in
family dynamics when we lived together...... I am not happy about
him. I feel suppressed. I cannot freely express my true
self and my personality, which is not as introvert and quiet as my
family member think. I hope he'll understand that I may not be
talkative, witty or sociable as he is, but I definitely desire for
true, deep interpersonal relationships, and I will do something to seek
it. It's actually pretty easy to open my inner world. It
doesn't need to be topics about God, ComSci or piano all the
time. Just some attitudes: humbleness instead of boasting, warmth
and sincerity instead of irony and mocking, and desire for redeeming
conversations instead of mere chilling. However, looking from
another angle, am I demanding too much? Am I not open and
accepting to different types of people? Do I again impose my
standard on others and refuse to give up my stereotypes? As a
dorm study leader, how am I going to welcome many students in my hall
who may have similar personalities? Am I even "qualified" to ask
them to change? That's something I need to think about.