2007年9月10日 下午7點31分36秒Sometime in the past

They say history is written by the victorious. When will I get to write history. Twice in my life I’ve lost. I’ve hurt and been hurt. Yet just when I think I’ve found happiness all is lost, taken from underneath me. My blood sears through my veins, the air feels cold at the touch of my skin, my heart being torn into a million pieces with every thought that passes by,  Aren’t I good enough? What is wrong with me? Will anybody out there find me attractive worth their love, their time, their interest. I’m starting to doubt it. I’m going to be 30 in a few months and I’ve yet to find someone who will love me back as much as I love them. I feel like screaming my brains out. I’ve cried so many tears my eyes are dry, my heart is falling apart yet I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Do I ask too much? To have somebody to come home to? Someone who is excited to come home to me? Who wants to spend every spare moment with me? I guess I am expecting too much. I must be delirious. Yet this pain I must continue searching. It’s so hard to move on. I’ve done it before and I eventually will. I know I will but the pain is so great. Just kind of think about it. Am I so easily replaced? Am I that bad of a person that I’m so easily forgotten? I can’t answer those questions. I wish I knew the answer. Then perhaps I would stop fooling myself. Some people say that I’m too optimistic, too laid back, too understanding. Maybe I’m just a fool to everybody. Always giving everybody the benefit of the doubt. Doubting my own self. I really wish sometimes I didn’t have any feelings, I wouldn’t be hurting this much. I wouldn’t have to worry about trying to be happy, or make other people happy. To be cold, to not feel the need to having somebody next to you, telling you that you are the most important thing to them. Such an experience is so rewarding. I hope one day I’m able to find it…. Let me rip my heart out to stop this pain, am I such a fool? Jumble thoughts are in my head. I no longer have a clear picture of what I want to do. All I want is for this pain to stop. I never knew love would hurt so much. It is looking like real possibility that I’ll end up alone. No kids, who knows if I’ll ever be able to have kids. I want a little girl so bad, to have a family. I’m watching everybody around me fulfill their dreams and I’m stuck in this cycle, this never ending pain, when I’m so close and then I got dropped like piece of shit. Everyone around me is raising their families, having kids, owning their home. I’ll be living at home with my parents, no college degree, no real career, nothing to show for the past ten years. What in the world am I doing? I feel so helpless.  Why can’t anybody just be upfront with me and tell it straight to my face. At least I would know then. I don’t have to go through the motions and play a fool. A FOOL!

You know, I try so hard, I really do. I give it my all, my heart, mind, body, sweat and blood yet it doesn’t seem to be good enough.  It never does. What do I need to do? What do I need to say? What do I need to think and feel? Am I so out of place so naïve, so stupid that I can’t figure it out? Somebody answer me. I’m slowly dying, my heart is dying from this paradox. And I’m losing my mind. I no longer know what to think or feel.

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2007年9月10日 下午7點28分28秒A tender thought

I know its been a while since I posted a blog but just been a little busy, this poem was written by a friend to me a few days ago. I just thought it was very sweet of her. I hope you guys enjoy. Work still good. Life, could be doing better, getting a little sick but I'm ok. Well, I hope everyone is doing ok, wherever they might be.

As he goes through out the day,
with a smile on his face,
he hides his loneliness in his eyes without a trace, ...

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2006年12月11日 上午3點56分41秒Incomplete

I'm very thankful for everything that has happened lately. Things happen to be going right now. I have a car that I like, I'm able to go out with friends. I found a new job (finally!), but now I'm missing somebody who loves me, somebody who would be at my side at the end of the night.

It always seems like it either one way or the other. Either money situation is good but relationship wise is not or vice a versa. I try to keep my chin up with things going on this way but Its hard to especially this time of the year. You always see couples out ...

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