Who hasn't experienced the pain of love? Or is it the pain of rejection?

The pain of self doubt? The pain of fear? It's important to distinguish

between love and totally separate feelings.

 

When it comes to pain surrounding love, we're more likely referring to

the “add-ons” of love. The love baggage, we might call it. For some reason,

many people assume negative emotions are a part or element of love.

But experientially we know this isn't true.

 

Love is not painful, it feels incredible. The pain and hurt we feel doesn’t

come from love, it comes from our doubts, fears, anxiety, perceived

rejections, broken trusts, anger, jealousy, envy, etc. So why do we as

a culture lump all those other feelings in with love?

 

Perhaps its because we feel these uncomfortable emotions most often

in association with our love relationships. Our primary relationships

are important to us, so we assume these doubts and fears are all

part of the loving experience. But is this really true?

 

When we are fearful, angry, anxious, unhappy, or jealous, are we

truly experiencing a state of love? They sure feel different, don't they?

Love feels warm, open, joyous and filled with a deep sense of appreciation.

 

Pain steps into a love relationship when you switch it from a "wanted

relationship," into a "needed relationship." You don't NEED any one

relationship. Want? Yes. Need? No.

 

If you go into a relationship not feeling terribly good about yourself,

you're more likely to become dependent on your partner to help you

feel good about yourself.  If we felt empty before they appeared in our lives,

we fear the emptiness returning if they leave, so their staying with us

becomes paramount. That dependency can create all kinds of fear

and unhappiness when there's a perceived threat to you staying together.

 

Throughout the history of mankind, we as a world culture have made love out

to be mysterious, complex, difficult, and indefinable. It’s the subject of

endless poems and literary works. There is an enormous amount of material

available out there about love, a lot of it contradictory.

We’ve been given the impression that to define love is near to impossible.

Maybe there’s a fear that if we define it, it would somehow be less

powerful...less impactful...less exhilarating. Maybe we like the mystery of it.

But is it really that complicated? Perhaps the complications surrounding love

come from all “stuff” we add on to this powerful emotion. Lets drop all the

baggage surrounding relationships and define what it is we are experiencing in

the moment of love.

Basic Components of Love

What do you feel when you love someone? If distilled down to it’s core

components, what would those be? Yes, love is an emotion, a feeling, a wanting,

and a “being”. We know it feels good, but what specific feelings, wantings,

and beings are present when we feel love? Here are the common denominators

of love...

Love is Accepting.
Acceptance is labeling someone as "okay" and having no particular desire to

change them. Who they are is perfectly fine with you. You pose no condition

on whether you will love them or not. This is call unconditional love.

When your love IS conditional, the moment they step outside your set

of conditions, love evaporates.

Love is Appreciating.
Appreciation is one step beyond acceptance. Its when your focus is on what

you like about another. We look at them and feel this sweeping appreciation

for who they are, their joy, their insights, their humor, their companionship,

etc. When someone says they are "in love" with another, they mean their

appreciation is so enormous for this person that it consumes their every

thought.

Love is Wanting Another to Feel Good.
We want those we love to be happy, safe, healthy, and fulfilled. We want

them to feel good in all ways, physically, mentally and emotionally.

 

How Do We Express Love?

We don’t always express our love. Love is a feeling and the expression of

that feeling is separate. It’s an action. There’s a practical reason we don’t

always express our love for another. It’s an issue of TIME. We only have

24 hours in a day (if you make it up that way). If the expression of love

was a core ingredient to love, we would have to be stingy with who we loved,

because there simply wouldn’t be enough time to demonstrate our love for

everyone! If you see the distinction between the feeling and the expression,

you can then love endless numbers of people.

 

Attention

Love expressed is when you give your attention, your time, your focus to

someone. Webster defines attention as “the giving of one’s mind to something."

 

There are many ways in which we give our attention to another. We use our

five senses. Our ears to listen. Being completely present with the one who is

speaking. Our eyes, watching another, undivided attention. Tasting/smelling?

(I’ll let you figure that one out). Touching, giving a hug, holding a hand, a

caress, or sexual expression.

 

 

TO BE CONTINUED......................